respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
