i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
