I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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