I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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