i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
