dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
