Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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