i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Randomize
