you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
