My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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