I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
