God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
