Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
