wrigley field is MILF paradise
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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