Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
