I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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