she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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