I could have mohawked her pubes.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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