I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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