so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
