theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
