It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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