it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
