i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
