Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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