I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
