You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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