I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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