if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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