3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
