Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
