when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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