He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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