I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
