The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
