She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
