Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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