Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
