Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
