I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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