Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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