I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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