so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Randomize
