Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
