Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
