ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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