Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
