just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I need to sanitize my soul.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
