Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
