The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
