i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
