My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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